Monthly Archives: May 2011

Friday Fun – Bathing Beauty?!

Time for some Friday Fun with Hilary at Feeling Beachie.  Pretty sure it’s a pool party cause it’s that time of year.  Put on your best string bikini (or not) and join in.

(Well, like it or not, here we are…MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!  You know what that means…that’s right, time to breakout the swimwear!  I know, say it isn’t so…but it is.  So, do what you must, bust out a few crunches a couple of five pounds weights and tighten it up.  Or be like me…and COVER IT UP!)  Cause Johnny is back and “What Not to Wear” has nothing on him.  Take heed and don’t let this woman’s experience be yours.  Johnny has no filter, and due to many pool “incidents” we might need to share our joy at a pool near you.”

Read and heed people…read and heed!

In honor of Swim Suit season I thought I would begin a tradition…………Welll, at least do it TWO YEARS IN A ROW.  I am considering this my public service announcement.  If you think about some of the SIGHTS you can see at your local pool, lake, beach, etc (ME included) readers take heed, share the “Word” with you friends and family.  After all,FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS make public appearances in “Ill-fitting” swim wear.  Let this “Poor Woman’s” encounter with Johnny be the quiet voice in your head when selecting the “Perfect Bikini” for your summer fun!

Charles Schultz has Classic Peanuts…………….because you cannot watch Lucy bully Charlie too many times.  However Readers, we have ULTIMATE JOHNNY…………..Because some stories JUST need to be RE-TOLD AND PASSED ON.  ENJOY AND SPREAD THE MESSAGE!

Johnny getting his MAN TAN

 

 

(Originally posted May 20, 2011)

Aaahh, it’s that time of year.  The weather is warm, you’re trading in your boots for flip flops and your sweater and jacket for YES, THAT’S  RIGHT,  the swimsuit.  I know, most of us hate it, we avoid it, but if you are a parent of a young child you suck it up, put on brave front and make the dreaded public appearance in your bathing suit.  This can be a traumatizing enough experience, I know.  But as a public service announcement, I feel I must share with you the following story.  Think of it as a cautionary tale when selecting the bathing suit most suitable for your (clearing throat) weelll, shall we say,  body type.

A couple of summers ago we were still living in San Diego.  At the time our options for swimming were the beach (fun, yes, relaxing with my boys, NOT) or a personal invite to a pool.  We snagged an invite to my friend’s pool at her condo.  At the time I was big and pregnant with Baby Girl so I was relaxing at the side of the pool.  All of my boys are great swimmers so they were all over the place.  Johnny is an underwater guy.  I was watching him swim when I saw him swim up to a fuller size “lady.”  Johnny comes across as charming, at first, so she began chatting with him.  My radar started to activate as I noticed him getting closer and closer to the “ladies”.  He a skin guy and she had a lot of it, so I could read his mind.  I tried to jump up to stop the train wreck but at 9 mos. pregnant, it was not happening.

Me:  Johnny, come over here.

Johnny:  No response.  He is busy chatting, touching her arms and pointing to something on her face.

Me:  Come on, Johnny, let her alone so she can relax.

Johnny:  No, Mommy, wait!  (voice getting very excited)  Come here!  I think I just found the UGLIEST woman in the world!

Me:  At a complete loss with nowhere to hide.  I was, after all, wearing a bright yellow maternity bathing suit top and I wasn’t going to be able to run!  But I swaggered over as quickly as possible.

Me:  That is not a nice thing to say, Johnny.

Johnny:  Oh, no, Mommy wait!  Never mind, I think it’s a MAN.

Our pool opens this weekend.  I already have my cover up, do you?

Just Too Much

We miss our Precious Baby Girl, every second, of every day, with every fiber of our being.  She was such a life force!  With the face of angel, it took one look and all were hooked.  As simply put by her Big Brother, she was irresistible!!!   She has left us and there is a certain emptiness that fills our days.  I like to sit quietly and try to feel her in my arms and see that sweet face.  Church is wonderful for this, that is, if I am ever able to be there alone.  It is a double-edged sword because there are so many memories of her in that place that I cannot contain my emotions and they run like a raging waterfall.

The raging waterfall is an event that Johnny just cannot take.  Seeing Mommy so upset just does him in and he tries to make it better.

Johnny has what the “Experts” call sensory issues.  He does not like loud.  Surround Sound is not his friend!  So it stands to reason that at school assemblies his class used to sit next to the speaker system.  Instead of the logical solution of moving the class, Johnny would wear headphones to muffle the noise.  You know, so he blends!  It seemed to do the trick, thus the year was spent in headphones by the speakers.

A few weeks ago I took Johnny with me for the schools morning mass because his brother was reading.  I had forgotten he told me they were going to sing “The Irish Blessing.”  All who have heard this song can attest to it’s beauty.  Well, this beautiful song was sung at Baby Girl’s Memorial Service.  The phrase “till we meet again” fills me with sadness, hope and tears that easily turn to sobbing, which is what happened that morning.

My sweet boy did all he could in his  Little Man power to make it better.

Like he has seen me do many times, First he wiped my nose, up and down my face.  Then he took said  snotty kleenex and wiped my eyes.  And YES,  that mascara did not pass the water proof test.

Me:  Thank you Johnny.  I love you, you are a good boy!

Johnny:  Sitting back and taking a good look at the mess that was his Mommy,  said the most logical thing I have heard since losing my Baby Girl.  Mommy, I think this place is too much for you.  You need to start wearing headphones!  Now, here, let me blow your nose for you.

Thank you Johnny, you are the best boy.  And smart to, because really, it is all just too much somedays.  Maybe I will get those headphones and better mascara.

Where Do Your Shoes Go?!

FINALLY, they are listening!  Because I DO always say, “Boys when you get home from school please put your dirty, smelly, germ infested gymshoes, that have been God knows where, on the dining table.”

Dinner anyone?

Oh yeah, and don’t forget to leave your towel on the bathroom floor!

Early Bird Gets the Worm

Johnny is an early bird.  I don’t care what the “Parenting Guru’s” say, there is nothing that is going to keep this boy in bed, asleep past 6 a.m.  It’s NOT happening. I have tried many things (which might be one reason for my disdain of the “Parenting Book”) and nothing is going to change my Johnny.  He is who he is and does, weell, some quircky things and I have the dark circles and bags to prove it.

In what some might call a passissive aggressive move, I have given him a few “little jobs”  in the morning that can only be done by someone awake enough to climb all the stairs in our house at this early hour.  And THAT is my Johnny!  Does he like it? NO!  Why?  Because he has the endurance and energy level of a geriatric.  He OWNS this, he has no shame.  So this morning, I realized I was out of cream for my coffee.  THIS is something that requires immediate attention and I’m not awake enough to climb those stairs, heck…. I haven’t had any coffee.

Me:  Johnny, go downstairs please and get me the half and half.  You know the milk for coffee.

Johnny:   (GGRRRROOOOAAAAAANING) very loudly!!  Do I have to?

Me:  Yes.

Johnny:  I hate that job!

Me:  Well, I don’t care.  We are a family and in a family you work to help each other. (That, by the way, is one of my favorite speeches to give)

Johnny to his Dad:  Well, then I’m quitting this job when I’m 10 becausee I’m sick of it!

Sorry my friend once you are in there is no escaping.  Besides…if anyone is escaping it’s going to be me!

Cape Crusader

You could say Johnny is a big Batman fan.  Possibly an extreme fan.  Okay, okay, I’ll be honest, OBSESSED, is the better description.  I have the lists to prove it (but that’s for another time).  His school is right across from our neighborhood so we have to pass it many times a day.   Yesterday from the waaay back of the van:

Johnny:  My school is named T. Anthony School after some guy.  Who is that guy?

Me:  I don’t know who he is, maybe he used to be a teacher.

Johnny:  Who would want a school named after them?  That’s lame!

Me:   Don’t say that.

Johnny:  Well,  I wouldn’t want a school named after me (a somewhat scary thought anyways).    I want a Batman Museum named after me.  That would be waaay better.  It will be the “JOHNNY P. BATMAN MUSEUM.”  Doesn’t that sound like a good idea Mommy.

Me:  Yep, Johnny, Greeaat Idea!

COMICON, HERE HE COMES!!!!!!

Help Wanted

I have no idea how he came up with this one!  Actually, I can say that about most ideas he has.   I picked him up early from school yesterday for an appointment and he was all business.

Johnny:  Mommy, I ate my cookies from my snack.

Me:  Good, let’s go.

Johnny:  I need an agent!

Me:  Reeaallly, and why would YOU need an agent?

Johnny:  Because I am out of cookies and if I had an agent these things wouldn’t happen.  Also, they would get me nachos!

Enter School Principal (overhearing):  Watch out Mom, pretty soon he will only eat Green M&M’s.

Johnny:  I don’t like candy, someone tell that guy I don’t eat candy.

Soooo, I guess Johnny is taking applications.  Apply early!  Oh yeah, and the buying  of candy is grounds for immediate termination.  Little insider info…..I recommend you bring Nachos to the interview.

Vitals, Stat!

Yesterday I had to take Johnny for a follow up Doctor’s appointment.  He goes to this Doctor infrequently, so it’s usually a good time.  Weelll, maybe not so much for the nurses.  For starters, they earn their (not enough) money just trying to get his vitals.  At this visit, let’s just say, the poor Nurse needed blood pressure medicine when we left.

Nurse:  Now sit in this chair and be real still so I can get  your blood pressure.

Johnny:  OW! That hurts!

Nurse:  Just relax and take a deep breath.

Johnny:  How am I supposed to relax with this thing squeezing my arm?!

Nurse:  Imagine you are lying on a sunny beach.

Johnny:  Great! Now the sun is burning my eyes!

Nurse (Refusing to be had be beaten by my son):  Just think how good the warm sand feels.

Johnny:  I can’t because now an Octupus is coming to bite off my arm!

Nurse (waiving the white flag) to Me:  Do you have more children?

Me:  Why yesss I do, I said with pride and they will be here on Friday!!

Uuumm, I think she had her blood pressure taken when we left and then asked for Friday off!

I Weigh How Much?

In the past week all three strapping boys have had to have their weight checked.  Although close in age (the oldest boy was still 3 when my youngest boy was born) they are at extreme ends of the scale….literally, as evidenced by their Goldilock type reaction.

Big Bear:  “I can’t weigh this much, this scale must be wrong.” 

Medium Bear (Johnny):  “WOW, 84lbs!  No wonder I eat too much!

Little Bear:  “YEAH!  Look, I weigh 45lbs!!!”  “See, Mommy, someday I am going to weigh 50,” says the soon to be 8 year old!

Mama Bear:   (Thinking what poor parenting is causing the tipping of the scale ): 

 Big Bear, here is your organically grown carrot sticks.  Now wash it down with your deliciously cold, organic milk!

Medium Bear, I know you will enjoy organic chicken breasts, seasoned with lemon juice , which, of course,  was imported from an organic orchard via jet so as not to loose it’s freshness.  Yes, yes, that’s what I will feed you.

Baby Bear, my little bear, here is your bacon sandwich, with fresh avacado, a glass of whole milk and for your side, yes, my Little Bear, a Stick of  Butter.  Now, eat up and make good on your genetic disposition to chunkiness!

EEEH, who am I fooling, Chicken Nuggets and Fries for everyone!   Of course, it will have to be eaten in the car, cause we are going to be late for swimming!

Love Thy Neighbor

If you are reading this and have ever had the privilege of being our neighbor you can visualize the following events and better yet, hear Johnny’s voice as you read.

As I relate the story I am realizing we sound like a bunch of uncivilized individuals.  I guess some would argue, you have boys that’s what they are, uncivilized.  I,  however, like the term, spirited.   Hey, you can call it denial I prefer eternal hope!

I had Johnny at the Doctor today for an appointment so his brothers were already home from school when we got home. 

Me:  Hi guys, how was  your day?

Timmy:  I had a bad day, I was on red.  

Me:  Why were you on red?

Timmy:  I can’t say.

Me thinking:  That’s never good.

Timmy:  Well, first I acted up in church and then I punched someone but I can’t tell you who.

After a great deal of time in his room he admitted that he punched the neighbor boy, who happens to be in his class.  Soooo, I call the neighbor to offer my shock and horror that my child would do that to his.  This after I forced his hand at a written apology, of which,  I wouldn’t allow him to include his desired secrecy clause.  The boys then hold a closed door meeting, spit, shake hands and all is well.  

The neighbor then says:  Did you hear what Johnny did on Sat?

Me:  Uuuh, No.

Neighbor:  I was out in the yard starting my mower and Johnny walked into your backyard and yelled over the fence, “Hey, keep it down over there I’m trying to watch some T.V.”

Thank God the man couldn’t help but laugh.  So see, we really are good neighbors.  That is, of course, if you don’t mind your kid getting beaten by a small fry and then reprimanded by a disgruntled 9 year old.   Should I tell him at least Johnny is out of his phase of sneaking into neighbors houses?  Naah, me either, I think I will bake him something instead.  Because, really, I can’t promise he won’t find Johnny someday in a corner of his  house watching T.V.  Just ask the Cul de Sac Crew!

School Days

AAAH, I love school mornings!

 Making breakfast, packing lunches, finding school uniforms that are right under children’s noses, breaking up fights. 

This morning  the boys founds a whole new way for me to lose my mind.  The game of “you shut up, no, you shut up.”  Of course that phrase is considered a four letter word in our home.  It sounds horrible, even worse coming out of the mouths of my boys wearing their Catholic School Uniform!  Not to mention we pay good money for them to have a larger vocabulary than this and learn to “Do Unto Others.”

I thought I would beat them at their own game and get them where they live, you know it, after school T.V. time!  They wait in anticipation for this sacred time, they love it, they are not getting it today. 

Feeling very proud of my mean mommyness I loudly announced this to my screaming boys.  They fell silent, turned and looked.  My oldest then said, O.K., with some arrogance, I might add, turned again to his little brother, and said, “Shut-up!”  Then to me, “Bye Mom, love you” and walked out the door.  Followed by the little brother yelling,  “I know you are, but what am I?”

Being a good Catholic Mom I did the only thing I could.  Said, “I love you to and locked the door behind them!  Hey, it’s for the good of all, except, of course, my friend driving carpool.  Better go check my Karma