Monthly Archives: June 2011

I Just Work Here

What is it about summer time employees?  Do they answer an ad that says, “If you are tired, cranky and hate the world and everyone in it, apply today!”

Yesterday, the boys were invited to a birthday party at a water park.  And let me tell you if anyone should’ve been cranky it should have been the Mom that planned the party.  Sixteen boys and the waterpark had a mechanical problem……… and did not appear to be opening anytime soon.

With the joy on the faces of the park employees, it was a shame that we could not stay and enjoy their company.  But with SIXTEEN BOYS to entertain we can’t just stand around and smile at these people all day.

So we packed up and went to Water Park II.  Yeeaaah, no mechanical problem……but…….same people loving employees.   I have a cure for those sour pusses, JOHNNY!!

I mean, really, how can you see this kid walk in the gates and not just laugh your a#* off.  So, if he calls you Mr. Lifeguard, and you are in fact a MS., think of it as Karma Baby, Karma.

He did manage to get the CRANKY  Dip N Dots lady to smirk.  As I might have mentioned before, Johnny loves ice cream.  He would walk on hot coals for a scoop.  But this Dip N Dot business….weeelllll, let’s just say it messes with his sense of the ice cream experience.

So…….he orders his chocolate ice cream (his fave!!!) and waits in anticipatory excitement………only to receive a bowl of teeny tiny balls.  He takes one look at his “ice cream”, one look at the “Smiling” lady and declares:

“Hey Lady, I don’t mean to bust your bubble, but this does not look like Chocolate Ice Cream to me!”

Yeeeeaaaah, like He said.  So Lady, take a tip from “The Good Humor Man” and my Johnny, get some “real” ice cream and serve it with a SMILE!!!  Cause, if you can’t smile at my Johnny, then you got more trouble than pushing “imitation” ice cream and I’m afraid my public service announcements won’t help either!

SILENCE!!!

Johnny is a lucky boy.  He is able to say exactly what is on his mind and he doesn’t care who you are.  Even better……the kid has no idea what a regret is……he’s never had one!!!!  Aaahhh…….The LIFE.

So…….you know the annoying cell phone people.  The one who never remembers to silence their phone.  Or my favorite, the one talking very loudly in a store, restaurant or gym!  Well, I think I have just the boy for them.

Today Johnny was relaxing…….as always……..watching his favorite Batman show, which he has programmed every TV in the house to switch to whenever it is on…….and I am not even making that up.  Don’t get me started on the closed caption.

Anywho…..he was watching his show when Daddy’s cell phone kept going off.  You have to have a secret code to access Daddy’s top secret phone so it just kept ringing.  I was just trying to crack the code when Johnny made the following pronouncement:

 “HEY, WOULD YOU PUT THAT THING ON SHUT UP MODE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I think what he meant to say was, “Happy Father’s Day Dad, could you please quiet your phone so I can enjoy my program.”  Yeeeaaaahhh……I couldn’t even keep a straight face typing that.  Sure, I could have given him the “we don’t talk like that” lecture……BUT REALLY…..don’t we all want to??!!

Pants Optional?

I don’t know what it is about the Little Brother, but he is completely uninhibited when it comes to covering up.  I know, I know, you might be thinking this is so cute for a little guy.  But he is EIGHT now and being cute only gets you so far………. so, PLEASE COVER UP!!

He is the one that starts taking his pants down as he is walking across the house to the bathroom.  Not a problem, you say……well……kind of a problem when he does the same thing in any public venue, including church, and let me remind you, the Catholic Church is not the most liberal place to show your tighty whities.

Well, let me back track, once he did this at church and that, my friends, is how I knew he had worn his church clothes over his PJ’s.  Because after answering Mother Nature’s call he had walked, actually trotted into church while pulling up his pants and displaying his spider man jammies to the congregation.  Of course, the week we picked to sit up close!

So……..today, I bellowed at Little Brother in the basement to get his shoes on so we could take Cousin Amber to work at Starbucks.  Okay, Okay, I’M COMING, was the reply.  Moments later he met me at the front door.

I assumed I would  see said Brother in his School PE Uniform.  And yes, we know what happens when we ASSUME .   Just one problem, though….

Me:  Hey, where are your pants?

Little Brother:  I don’t need them.

Me:  Uuuhhh……aaannd why is that?!

Little Brother:  Cause, I’m just riding in the car.  I don’t need pants for that.

What does his mental check list look like?:

Catholic School uniform shirt – check!

Star Wars underwear – check!

Pants  –  AAHHH, who needs em?!

Hope he doesn’t develop the same theory for the SWIM TRUNKS.  We have enough exposure at the pool already!!

Take the Wheel?

I’m no Dannica Patrick.  I don’t spend time gloating about my awesome, turn on a dime driving abilities.  I just step on the gas and get that 12 YEAR OLD MINI VAN…….. with kids hanging out of it…….. where it needs to go.

There is not much style involved in the whole process, but when you are a family that can wash loads and loads of “khaki” shorts and pants……style is not a word used to describe us…..unless of course the statement is, “they are SO out of style.

In the last few months, Johnny has grown increasingly agitated with my driving.  Apparently, he has a standard…….and well……I am not meeting it!

Frequently, he will sigh with disgust and say, “Let me drive.”  Being a responsible  parent, I say……….. NO JOHNNY, YOU ARE NINE!!

This morning, coming out of the bagel shop and walking to the van, he thought we would work a new angle:

Johnny:  Can I steer the wheel?

Me:  No!

Johnny:  How about you steer and I’ll work the pedals?

Me:  NO!

Johnny:  BUT  I Waaannnnt to!!!

Me:  Sorry, pal.

Johnny:  Aaaaahhhhh, you NEVER let me DRIVE THE CAR!!

That’s right, Johnny, and unless I become that desparate for a designated driver……consider yourself a PASSENGER!!!!

Here, kitty, kitty

Let me start by saying we are not pet owners.  Sure….we have had the occasional gold fish and hamster….but if it doesn’t fit in a cage or bowl on a dresser…..it is not happening.

Of course the subject comes up a LOT!!  Mostly they beg for a dog.  Pretty much……yeeeaappp, all the time……I say no, remember, Daddy is allergic.

Weeelll, Daddy is allergic to cats but we have spread it across the whole category of pets with fur.  This still doesn’t stop the begging as they have even asked for a Naked Mole Rat.  “Daddy can’t be allergic, Mom, there is NO FUR.  Have I mentioned they are SMART boys?!

This doesn’t make us bad parents.  I like to think it makes me a woman who knows her limits on nurturing……after this year, I am tapped out…..and that is putting it mildly.

In retrospect, there has never been as much heartbreak over not having a cat as there has been over a dog.

Johnny has generally been the silent partner in the quest for a pet.  Therefore, I didn’t realize he has some strong opinions.  Weeelll, once again, I was WRONG.  We were leaving a retirement party on Saturday night.  I thought Johnny was all worn out from his night of performing (stay tuned for that special edition).

As we were walking to our car …….a cat was making himself cozy on the steps of the house.  Johnny briefly observed the cats activity and pronounced the following:

CATS ARE LAME!

Me:  Don’t say things like that, Johnny.

Johnny (ignoring his mother) :

Heeyyy, Kitty Cat…..Sorry to bust your bubble……but BATS are waaaayyyyy COOLER!!!

Hope lawn mowing works out……… cause cat sitting is off the job list.

I now have some research to do……..I better come up with an explanation for Daddy’s mysterious BAT ALLERGY.  Yeah….cause that’s why we won’t get a bat.

Johnny, M.D.

Johnny has been harrassing members of the medical community since his birth within 25 minutes  of arriving at the hospital, during San Diego rush hour……I might add.

This has become a trend over the years.

Hmmm…..let’s see.  Yeeaap there was the mysterious rash as a newborn.  Then the rash from the sandbox, which required time in the isolation waiting room.

Oh yeeaahhh…..can’t forget those frenzied appointments when I begged the Doctor for answers about my anxiety ridden son with delayed speech…….as said child sat calmly in a chair and said, “excuse me kind Doctor, would you check my heart now?”

Not to forget when the Army Hospital went on lock down because Johnny escaped from the clinic only to be found in medical records sucking on his binky.  Yes…..we now know what “CODE PINK EMERGENCY” means.  And NO…..it is not code for bad parenting, at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Then there are the nurses that took care of Precious Baby Girl.  When he woke up in the morning he would start yelling for Ms. Hannah to make his waffles!!!!  Thank God, she wasn’t a stickler for a job description.

Perhaps his best work, ONCE AGAIN, involved the neighbor.  That’s right….we are FUN neighbors.

Doing a kind, neighborly deed, I had to take Johnny with me to pick up my dear neighbor and friend from the Army Hospital.  She had had same day surgery (elbow) so she was waiting for us in the Post-Op recovery.

She was sitting up in her bed just waiting for the nurse  to get her discharge paperwork.  Johnny was carefully checking out everything in the room.  All was quiet….very, quiet…..and then, out of nowhere……..

 “NURSE, I THINK WE HAVE A FLAT-LINE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Yeeaap…..Johnny learned Nurses don’t find that funny.   It is, however, a good way to get a free stethescope.  I mean….who doesn’t love a freebie??!!

Heeeey, I just had a great idea for Johnny……..MEDICAL SCHOOL!

Double Hockey Sticks!

So…….I was doing the after school shuffle.  You know, get this one to swim practice, that one to soccer.

This shuffle is mostly for the Big Brother and Little Brother.  As of now, Johnny is the “go with guy.”  And…… he doesn’t always go willingly or quietly….BUT go, he does.

Apparently,  he has decided he has had about enough of this “go with guy”  crap.   And he not going to take it ANYMORE!!!!!

I know this HOW?, you might ask.

Well…..I was sitting there in my chair (that I finally remembered to bring) at Little Brother’s soccer practice, when out of left field (literally, left field, I was sitting in the outfield)………………….HERE COMES JOHNNY, and Bellows  the following:

“Whaddya Say We Get The HELL Out Of  Here and Go Get  A Snack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Yeeeaaaah, he’s had it……. soccer siblings everywhere would raise their juice box to that!!! 

Guess we can cross  birthday gifts for the soccer team off the Ol To Do List.

Darn Fairy!

BEDTIME TO DO LIST

Bath – Check

Brush Teeth – Check

Pick Up Dirty Clothes – Work in progress………

Bedtime Story – Check

Kiss Goodnight – Will count as checked, though most kisses were called disgusting and wiped off.

Three Boys Tucked In – CHECK!!!!

Time to relax………nagging feeling I am forgetting something????!!!! 

FINALLY…drift off to sleep.

6 a.m RUDE AWAKENING!!!

Johnny:

THE TOOTHFAIRY IS A BIG FAT JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

ADD TO LIST:

Apply for Loan

Factor interest and guilt into overpayment for lost tooth and additional childhood trauma – CHECK

Darn ToothFairy!  Johnny’s right……WHAT A JERK!

There I Go Thinkin

Sooo, you may wonder how things are going at the good ol swimming pool. 

Once again I made the mistake of thinking……thinking, WOW, things are kind of calm in the troops.  Then I got all excited!!  Maybe, just maaaybeee,  we could morph into one of those families that you just see……and you think……. HEY, those boys are sooooo great that mom must really have it goin on….Gee, I’m going to ask her how she does it. 

This fantasy lasted from the parking lot to the entrance.  Well….we did at least make it into the pool. 

Then…… OUT OF NOWHERE….. we hear from ………the Little Brother:

“HEY MOMMY, I’M KIND OF ITCHY…….CAN YOU CHECK MY HEAD FOR LICE AGAIN?!”

Yeah, you guessed it…..the party invitations are flowing in.  Don’t even get me started on the people who want to sit with us!

Stress Ball?

Stressed Out

STRESSED OUT??

 

Me:  Johnny, whhyy are you groaning?  That is annoying!

Johnny:  My life is tooo stressful!!

Yeeeaaaah, we can tell.   Xanax anyone??!!