Yesterday I was flipping through the T.V. and came upon a Jim Carey movie. Thought I could use a good laugh so I settled in. It was “Bruce Almighty”. And it did give me a few good chuckles…………..but in the end it sent me into somewhat of a familiar tailspin.
The premise of the movie seems to be that Bruce is ticked off at God, he thinks he is getting the short end of the stick on the job, and that he has a “mediocre life.” If God truly cared and wanted to he could fix all of Bruce’s troubles in five minutes. God then goes about teaching Bruce it is not that easy and there are things people need to figure out on their own, through their own effort and “don’t forget free-will.” In the end he learns these lessons and all is B-E-A-utiful (as Bruce says).
I know all this is probably putting a little too much thought into a silly movie but I guess that is where I am.
Now…the part that sent me off. In the end, Bruce gets hit by a mac truck, dies and goes to heaven, and meets with God. He then shows God that he can pray, with selflessness, thinking only of anothers happiness and accepting what comes his way, as long as the other person can be happy….and BOOM, the EMT’s get his heart started and he lives, all is well, he prayed and God answered, the way he wanted………. of course.
There are several books around (and I have a few of them) about children and adults alike who have an experience where they die and spend some time in heaven and then “something happens” and they get to come back to life. That “something” is that there are many prayers, those prayers are answered, in their favor, and they come back to life. And this is why, at least right now, I can not read those books.
We did get our prayers our way early on. When she was 7 days old, she had to have her first emergency surgery to repair a blockage in her stomach and there was fear of her not pulling through because she was born with a hole in her heart. I remember sitting, holding her, wrapped in a green hospital sheet, with an IV in her little head tearfully saying, “Please God, I don’t want anything to happen to her.” I knew I loved her unconditionally, but I go back to this moment and feel it is the exact moment I fell completely, hopelessly, in love with her. This was our miracle, she was even a case study, because this type of repair usually needs to happen within 24 hours of life and they don’t know how she made it 7 days. Our Baby Girl was one tough cookie.
People are always suggesting these books to me. I guess I am just not there yet. “Don’t you feel good knowing that Madeline is an Angel in Heaven, with her Grandpa Ron and her cousins.” NO! I DO NOT! Not yet. Because we are selfish on this one, we want her here with us. Our arms just ache for that Little Body of Sweet Goodness. To kiss her little face and get those cute little rasberry kisses in return.
We want her actual presence in our home and with our family. We prefer seeing her in her port a crib in the family room and not the Huge Photo of her that is in her place. Her essence and memory just can’t fill us up. At least, not yet. I guess that is where I am to rely on Hope and Faith, much easier said than done.
It seems that it would be much easier to digest books on heaven (and I’m sure I would probably be the one telling everyone to read them) if my prayers on that Tuesday morning in November would have been answered the way I wanted. And heaven was a place we still just talked about, but without feeling and knowing that my Madeline is there and I can’t get to her. Because I just want to scream when the Little Boy says he was told he had to come back to this life because God was hearing all those people praying for him. God had to have heard me? Right? I mean I was screaming in the ER for goodness sake. I was screaming at Madeline to come back! PLEASE COME BACK! I was screaming this over her little body. But God must have been yelling the same thing in her other little ear. He wanted his Sweet Angel back as well.
I guess this is where Faith really has to kick in. Much easier when you have somewhat of a tangible answer as to why your prayers and hopes were anwered the way you wanted or not. But with this grief there doesn’t seem to be an answer, not yet, and probably never will be. If it was to strengthen our faith and teach compassion to us as parents and to our boys it seems there could have been a less painful way. I don’t GET IT! I’M NOT THERE YET!
I guess this leaves me with Blind Faith.