Monthly Archives: November 2011

EVALUATE THIS!

Had Johnny at a Doctor yesterday for an “evaluation”.  Due to sooo many circumstances beyond anyone’s control, the guy has just a wee bit of an issue with anxiety.  Who can blame him?  I look back at his last 10 years and I get a little on edge myself.

Just a few of Johnny’s highlights.  Some humorous, some way toooo sad for anyone, let alone a 10 year old to experience……

Let’s see…….Oh yeah, he’s a military kid sooooo let’s just give him extra points on the ol’ anxiety scale right there.  He came into the world fast and furious, soooo, maybe…………..there’s a little bit of whiplash involved.  Many a day he was left sitting in his stroller, possibly unattended………….ever so patiently………while I ran through the parks of Sunny So. Cal. chasing his crazy Big Brother.  At 16 months his Daddy and almost every male we knew were sent to Iraq and he was left with a bunch of crazy woman (and one Saintly Cardiologist, who was surrogate Daddy figure to my boys).  Knowing his fate in crazy land he started attempting his Great Escapes………..this began his much too frequent run ins with Security.  Rest easy Mom’s everywhere………………I know from many of my encounters with these Security Folks……………you always get the child back…………….seriously…………….you think they want a boy they would have to chase all over God’s Green Earth.    Trust me on this one………….YOU DON’T!!!  Those Security Folks give the best advice though………………..”Ma’am, you really shouldn’t let him run away like that”………..WOW!!…………..great tip…………..never thought of THAT!

What else…………….weeelll, there’s the fact that he has moved about 8 times in his life, has attended SEVEN schools, starting with his first at age Three where he rode the school bus.  He LOVED it………………me…………….not so much.  I couldn’t even begin to count the number of teachers involved in this process.  I will say, we have always been fortunate in the teacher department……………….doesn’t hurt that he is a “charmer” and teachers like to see what he will come up with next.

Tragically, he has been to funerals of little cousins and Baby Sisters.  He was home when our Precious Madeline took her last breath.  These are horrible, horrible events that NO ADULT would like to experience and would possibly send them into The Betty Ford.  So, I guess it begs the question…………….what do you expect?………………of course he is going to be on edge.  Thankfully, he doesn’t know drugs or alcohol.  His coping mechanism of choice………………BATMAN!!  This IS definitly his great escape.  I have blogging and facebook, Johhny has comics and Super Heroes.

I know Johnny sits through these “evaluations” mentally rolling his eyes.  He’s probably thinking, “Holy Anxiety Batman, someone get my Mom a chill pill……………….and why you are there a BATMAN Comic for me.  I’m just a kid (and a Cool one at that), I like me some Batman……deal with it people!

Be patient Johnny……………….someday soon you will teach us all that you are JUST FINE………….it’s the rest us in need of an “EVALUATION.”

Progress?

This is the Last Picture Taken of Madeline.

Our Sweet Little Bumble Bee

A year ago tomorrow, November 2, 2010,  at 9:30 a.m. we lost our Precious Baby Girl, Madeline.  A year has come and gone and that is all.  It has not gotten easier and the pain has not subsided.  We miss her so and long for the snuggle of her little body, the touch of her little hands and the sweet little kisses she would blow.  Grief is a killer roller coaster.  You never know what each hill and turn will do to you.  It comes complete with the feeling of whiplash, a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and the never ending wish to end this ride from HELL!!!  No matter how much you beg and pray the ride just does not end.  Right when you think you have taken the worst turn you go LOOPTY LOO into a dark tunnel and lose all sense of where you are and which way you are headed.

I receive a great deal of well meaning advice on ways I could “move on.”  But as a wise woman said to me, “Before they dish it out they should walk a mile in your boots, but they should be careful, cause those are some HEAVY boots you are wearing.”  Cement boots, I like to call them.  This is a good metaphor for the weight of the loss you feel when your child is gone.  Like the hardest thing at times is just to lift one foot in front of the other.  And at times this simple act does not seem simple or possible.

Despite the cement boots I suppose we have made “progress“.  You really don’t sweat the small stuff too much.  Petty arguments seem just that………………Petty.   I try to cherish each day with my boys because I fear for the time they are gone and I want to try to cement their Little Boyhood into my memory.  Madeline’s 16 months with us taught me that it all goes too fast and your time together is just never long enough.  I have had people say, “Well, at least you had her for 16 months, at times you didn’t think she would make it that long.”  This statement is of NO help.  I would ask you, if you have children, no matter what their age, to look at them and decide which one you have had enough time with and would hold for the last time tomorrow morning.  I suspect this is something you would not be able to do.  Because this is ALL horribly backwards.

Despite Madeline’s medical needs we were never “prepared” to lose her.  See,there is something we clung to like NO OTHER………….HOPE!!! and FAITH!!!!  We had such hope for our Sweet Baby Girl.  And we never lost faith that she would always be a Fighter and our Hope that she would have a long, very happy life. Our hope now is that her short life was a happy one.  Because the joy and happiness she brought to us cannot be put into words

In the Spring I had the pleasure of visiting with her wonderful surgeon.  He listened to me cry “Why?” and then asked me one simple question………..”Was Madeline a Happy Girl?”  And I could answer…………YES, she was a HAPPY GIRL!  She was LOVE AND JOY personified!!!  She brightened every room she entered and melted the hearts of all who met and cared for her.

I have spent a lot of time today thinking, “Had I just known that a year ago today was her last day on earth, what would I have done.”  I don’t know?  But I think I would have kissed her Sweet Little Face and Snuggled in all of her Joy and not let go…………..Ever!  And that, I think, is the progress I have made.

What a Gift from God you were, Sweet Madeline……………….We Miss You Baby Girl!!!