This is the Last Picture Taken of Madeline.
Our Sweet Little Bumble Bee
A year ago tomorrow, November 2, 2010, at 9:30 a.m. we lost our Precious Baby Girl, Madeline. A year has come and gone and that is all. It has not gotten easier and the pain has not subsided. We miss her so and long for the snuggle of her little body, the touch of her little hands and the sweet little kisses she would blow. Grief is a killer roller coaster. You never know what each hill and turn will do to you. It comes complete with the feeling of whiplash, a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and the never ending wish to end this ride from HELL!!! No matter how much you beg and pray the ride just does not end. Right when you think you have taken the worst turn you go LOOPTY LOO into a dark tunnel and lose all sense of where you are and which way you are headed.
I receive a great deal of well meaning advice on ways I could “move on.” But as a wise woman said to me, “Before they dish it out they should walk a mile in your boots, but they should be careful, cause those are some HEAVY boots you are wearing.” Cement boots, I like to call them. This is a good metaphor for the weight of the loss you feel when your child is gone. Like the hardest thing at times is just to lift one foot in front of the other. And at times this simple act does not seem simple or possible.
Despite the cement boots I suppose we have made “progress“. You really don’t sweat the small stuff too much. Petty arguments seem just that………………Petty. I try to cherish each day with my boys because I fear for the time they are gone and I want to try to cement their Little Boyhood into my memory. Madeline’s 16 months with us taught me that it all goes too fast and your time together is just never long enough. I have had people say, “Well, at least you had her for 16 months, at times you didn’t think she would make it that long.” This statement is of NO help. I would ask you, if you have children, no matter what their age, to look at them and decide which one you have had enough time with and would hold for the last time tomorrow morning. I suspect this is something you would not be able to do. Because this is ALL horribly backwards.
Despite Madeline’s medical needs we were never “prepared” to lose her. See,there is something we clung to like NO OTHER………….HOPE!!! and FAITH!!!! We had such hope for our Sweet Baby Girl. And we never lost faith that she would always be a Fighter and our Hope that she would have a long, very happy life. Our hope now is that her short life was a happy one. Because the joy and happiness she brought to us cannot be put into words
In the Spring I had the pleasure of visiting with her wonderful surgeon. He listened to me cry “Why?” and then asked me one simple question………..”Was Madeline a Happy Girl?” And I could answer…………YES, she was a HAPPY GIRL! She was LOVE AND JOY personified!!! She brightened every room she entered and melted the hearts of all who met and cared for her.
I have spent a lot of time today thinking, “Had I just known that a year ago today was her last day on earth, what would I have done.” I don’t know? But I think I would have kissed her Sweet Little Face and Snuggled in all of her Joy and not let go…………..Ever! And that, I think, is the progress I have made.
What a Gift from God you were, Sweet Madeline……………….We Miss You Baby Girl!!!