Getting There??

Today I am broadening my horizons, putting myself out there in the blogging world and participating in something called TIME WARP TUESDAY, hosted by http://bereavedandblessed.com/category/time-warp-tuesdays/  .   This is when we are given a topic.  We then look through our “archives” and find something we had written that reflects this topic and where we are in our journey since it was written.  The topic this month is LEFT BEHIND.

Sweet Girl!

Mommy and Madeline

I started writing my blog about six months after Madeline died.  As the title reflects, my initial intention was to write “humerous” antecdotes based on the wit and wisdom of my now 11 year old son, Johnny and his Big Brother and Little Brother.  Although The Brothers were giving me plenty of material, I was feeling more and more compelled to write about Madeline and how sad and broken I was.  The writing about her seemed to be my only “outlet”.  Outside of talking to a Counselor, I became increasingly angry and frustrated with everyone’s good intentions to help me “heal” and possibly, “move on.”  A popular suggestion at the time were books on heaven and to picture my Precious Baby Girl there.  To me, the problem was still the same, Madeline is there, in Heaven, and I……………am not.

For my TIME WARP TUESDAY post I chose one I wrote, entitled Not There Yet,  http://lifeaccordingtojohnny.com/2011/09/18/not-there-yet/  .   Please read and return to see where I am on my journey.

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When I wrote this post  the book, Heaven is for Real, was causing a great deal of buzz.  I was told by many, many well meaning folks that I should read it.  That perhaps I would find comfort in learning more about where my own Precious Angel, Madeline, was charming the wings off of God.  I tried to read it once ………but could not make it past the claim that the boy was told it wasn’t his time, people were storming the heaven with prayers, and he was to return to this life.  It made everything seem too simple.  Someone is sick or in danger and you pray to God, God is good, and your prayers are answered.  I felt so ripped off, and still do, but perhaps it is now not so raw.  I wanted to scream at everybody.  DON’T YOU THINK I PRAYED????!!!  DON’T YOU THINK I ASKED EVERYONE TO PRAY??!!  We wanted our Madeline anyway God saw fit, Down Syndrome, and all.  But in our case, things weren’t so black and white…….. more gray.  God seemed to see fit for Madeline to be with him and so as we were screaming for her to COME BACK , he was yelling, COME HOME TO ME.   It was just too much, all too much and left me stuck in a contstant angry WHY ME???!!!  WHY US? WHY HER??  I just could not cope with any stories of prayers answered.  Not that I wanted ANYONE to experience this horrific pain and grief but what seemed worse was to hear of some else’s happy ending or answered prayer.

Ironically, I also could not read others stories on loss and their grief either.    I balked at all recommendations of groups, blogs or books.  Reading and hearing about “how” the other children died caused me sooo much anxiety and the stories of how the families were dealing with their grief left me with not much hope.  I basically viewed it as proof that nothing was EVER going to be okay again, threw all the books aside and picked up my running shoes, in search of what to do with this anger, pain and loss.   People would ask how I could run 13 miles.  I would think I have enough anger and pain to fuel a lot more miles than that.

That was last September, almost a year ago.  I still cannot read the books on Heaven, though I am a believer and I know my Madeline in all of her Beauty and Sweetness is there.  So, I guess the feeling of being “LEFT BEHIND” is still strong.  I am working through prayer to comprehend why God chose NOT to answer our prayers on that November morning.  I am running now more than ever, but find myself spending that time thinking of her  and trying to feel her touch and smell her sweetness, as that can fuel many miles as well and gives me some peace.

Finally,  I have very, very recently begun to reach out to others who know this pain that never goes away.  Instead of their stories putting me in the depths of sadness I can find some comfort in their understanding.  This, I think, might be my ticket to finding some peace.  That and faith.

Although, I am still not there……that is, my desire to be with Madeline is still stronger than the comfort of knowing she is in Heaven, can’t say if I EVER will but a year later I am working on getting there.

7 Responses to Getting There??

  1. Kathy says:

    Wow. What a truly awesome post Amy. Thank you for sharing where you are now on your journey through our grief. I am typing through my tears and nodding my head.

    “We wanted our Madeline anyway God saw fit, Down Syndrome, and all. But in our case, things weren’t so black and white…….. more gray. God seemed to see fit for Madeline to be with him and so as we were screaming for her to COME BACK , he was yelling, COME HOME TO ME. It was just too much, all too much and left me stuck in a contstant angry WHY ME???!!! WHY US? WHY HER??”

    If you change Downs to CHD and Madeline to Molly, I could have written that word for word.

    i do hope that you continue to find comfort in connecting with others who have also experienced the heartbreaking loss of a child. As my friends from the bereavement support group and I often say, of course we’d rather have our babies back, than have met for the reasons we did. But we feel so blessed that our children brought us and our families together so we don’t have to walk this road alone.

    Thank you so much for finding me and reaching out. I look forward to reading more of your writing and am so glad you decided to do the Time Warp with us this week/month! Would love for you to join us again in the future.

    • johnnypsmom says:

      Kathy, Thank you for your comments and support. Talking with you gave me a little spark and a push towards connecting with others. AT times just want anyone to listen to my ache for Madeline without trying to fix it or recommend a book. And I do know it is well meaning. But I miss that Baby Girl with every fiber of my being, a feeling I’m sure you relate to.

  2. Being ready to reach out is a big step. Congratulations on taking it!

    May your journey bring you to peace, the peace that passeth all understanding.

  3. Jeanne says:

    Amy, take your journey any which way you want and I wish I was closer to hug you when that is all you need. I can not imagine the brokeness of your heart, but I do know the part of your heart that loves and that is huge….that might be why the hurt is huge. You keep lovin yourself enough to walk, or run yourself through this to an understanding of what God has called you to be.

  4. April says:

    ‘I just could not cope with any stories of prayers answered.  Not that I wanted ANYONE to experience this horrific pain and grief but what seemed worse was to hear of some else’s happy ending or answered prayer.’. That’s just what I find so hard to explain sometimes, that wanting your own prayers to be answered is not at all wishing your pain on someone else, that just because their happy ending hurts you doesn’t mean you wish they hadn’t gotten that happy ending. It’s what you want too, not instead.

    I hope you find more peace, through whatever means you may find it.

  5. Ray's Mom says:

    I share in the loss of a child, I lost a son five years ago from a sudden death that I am still begging for help to find the reason.

    There is no grief like this, the day’s of thinking I would wake up and it would be back to the days when I could expect a phone call, “Hi Mom” – but they are over. I can’t feel your pain as some would say, but I do understand it.

    In your own way, in your own time – you will be able to go on, never back to where you were – that hole in your heart will stay there, but you will get through it. God bless you, and there is a wonderful group of bloggers here and they have and are so understanding and sharing of their good will.

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