I hope so! A common response, right? Often, when posed with questions about our future, without hesitation, we respond, “well, I hope so.” One asked of our military family, “do you think you will get to stay in the area?” “I hope so,” is my common response. If only, to me, hope were still so cut and dry.
July 4, 2009, I was full of hope. Our Sweet Baby Girl, born with Down Syndrome and a heart defect, did not even spend a minute in the NICU. Over the next year and a half she more than made up for the respite with six major surgeries in as much time. With each procedure I hoped it was the last. I clung to this hope until one November morning when all hope was lost and our Sweet Madeline was called home.
In September of 2011, ten months after Madeline’s death, I wrote about my hope and loss thereof when my prayers were not answered my way and I was numb and hopeless in Not There Yet.
Almost a year later and I can say I am still not there. I have yet to read a book on Heaven and have many a struggle with what happened that November morning. When people say, “Just pray” or “Our Prayers were answered” I still want to throw something. Because I wish this pain on them…………ABSOLUTLEY NOT!!! Not on ANYONE. But because deep inside I still want to know why? Why were our hopes lost? Why are we now left clinging to faith?
I find myself clinging to my faith…………and still, some hope. At least I am not without all hope. It is just a new hope. One that I will not realize in this lifetime.