The More Things Change…

Let’s do the Time Warp Again.”  On the second Tuesday of the month, Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed hosts a party in which the game is to look through your blogging archives and chose a previous post in which you mentioned the theme, then reflect on what has changed on your journey since that time.  The theme this month is Change.

At times I truly believe that old saying, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”  Except I tweak it by adding…at least a little.

I have only been at this blogging business since May, 2011.  My first published post was on May 18, 2001.  When I started blogging (at the great and not so gently urging of friends) I wanted to be funny and witty.  I fancied myself a modern-day Erma Bombeck who would entertain with humorous anecdotes.  Mostly about Johnny and The Brothers.  I had always wanted to do that.

The problem…how was I going pull that off when I was only beginning to function a mere six months after burying our Beautiful Madeline.  Initially, I didn’t even plan to discuss her death and our paralyzing grief.  I wanted people to read and I thought if people tuned into all that, well, they wouldn’t come back.  But I am learning you cannot accomplish any goal if you are going against what is in your heart and on your mind.  That path leads to nowhere.

The post I chose is the first one I wrote where I mention Madeline.  I am discussing how Johnny is helping me cope with missing her.  It is rightfully entitled, “Just Too Much”.

Going back through my archives this what not initially my choice for this Time Warp, but when I read through I changed my plan midstream.  I read “Just Too Much” and couldn’t believe I wrote it.  Yes, the Johnny anecdote is one thing.  What struck me was the somewhat nonchalant tone I took when writing about Madeline and that experience that day.  It sounds so restrained and sterile…detached.  Because, believe me, I was there, that was NOT quiet sobbing.

I think when I started this blog I was so focused on what direction I thought I was taking my writing. The path that would save me.  The path that would put a band aid on what wasn’t broken and let me escape my own nightmare.  But somewhere on this path I discovered it was leading me in the wrong direction.  And I couldn’t keep up the dueling personalities any longer.

Today I like the path my blog is taking.  Life According to John is now reflects only ONE me.  The real me.  The me that likes a good belly laugh, especially at the absurd and most especially at the everyday absurd that is the chaos of my home.  But it also is the me that still longs and aches daily for Madeline…that still chokes back tears when everything seems to be too much.  

And now when it is just too much I dump it one here and each time I write about Madeline… her life and our life without her…I know I am taking a just one more step, a very small step,  on the path to Just Right.

7 Responses to The More Things Change…

  1. Jeanne says:

    Amy i was thinking about you yesterday when I had a thought about purpose. each event, day, minute really does have a purpose. I was reflecting on the death of my dad and it’s purpose. Sometimes we travel the path to find the purpose. I believe you are walking the path to find Madeline’s purpose. You know the easy one’s, the way she made you smile each day but her life may have a bigger purpose and I am so proud of you for not shying away from that and taking your chances on finding out what that is. love you!
    Jeanne

  2. Kathy says:

    Beautiful post Amy. Thank you. This really moved me and made me smile:

    “Today I like the path my blog is taking. Life According to John is now reflects only ONE me. The real me. The me that likes a good belly laugh, especially at the absurd and most especially at the everyday absurd that is the chaos of my home. But it also is the me that still longs and aches daily for Madeline…that still chokes back tears when everything seems to be too much.”

    I am so proud of the way you are living your life and sharing your experiences here on your blog. I am glad that you decided to do the Time Warp again with us this month and really appreciate the post you chose to reflect on and the new one you wrote here.

    I did something similar this month, I was looking for a very “change” themed and focused post, when I came across one that wasn’t so directly connected to change, but I couldn’t believe it had been 5 years (yesterday) since I wrote it. Since that was my life.

    It is still my life, but I am able to reflect on that time and the bittersweetness of it all from a different perspective now. I guess that is one thing that time gives us. We will never get over the deaths of our children, but I do believe that time heals and helps us to learn to live without them — one day at a time.

    • johnnypsmom says:

      Thank you, Kathy! Blogging has become increasingly therapeutic for me. It was through this and the community you introduced me to that I began to reach out to others who have experienced loss. As I had shared before, In the first 18 months I couldn’t hear another’s loss story. Slowly, as you said, I am able to see my story and other’s stories from a different perspective that is more soothing than going at it alone. I thank you so much for that!

  3. Justine says:

    I love the same section that Kathy chose: “Today I like the path my blog is taking. Life According to John is now reflects only ONE me. The real me. The me that likes a good belly laugh, especially at the absurd and most especially at the everyday absurd that is the chaos of my home. But it also is the me that still longs and aches daily for Madeline…that still chokes back tears when everything seems to be too much.”

    Sometimes change is also about accepting ourselves differently … not changing anything, per se, but embracing the different aspects of ourselves that make us whole people. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s partly what I’m working on, too. Thank you for sharing this, and your other post, with us!

    • johnnypsmom says:

      Thank you, Justine. I really appreciate your comment about “change is also about accepting ourselves differently.” I had an ah-ha moment after I read that. That is pretty much my path right now. Working on embracing all these aspects and accepting some that were not by choice. And finding out what path this me will take. You might have just saved me hours of therapy:)

  4. I think focused effort at writing causes clarity, which leads to integrating all our selves. Like you, I find the more/longer I write, the more integrated and centered I am.

    Love the idea of Just Right.

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