Monthly Archives: January 2013

The More Things Change…

Let’s do the Time Warp Again.”  On the second Tuesday of the month, Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed hosts a party in which the game is to look through your blogging archives and chose a previous post in which you mentioned the theme, then reflect on what has changed on your journey since that time.  The theme this month is Change.

At times I truly believe that old saying, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”  Except I tweak it by adding…at least a little.

I have only been at this blogging business since May, 2011.  My first published post was on May 18, 2001.  When I started blogging (at the great and not so gently urging of friends) I wanted to be funny and witty.  I fancied myself a modern-day Erma Bombeck who would entertain with humorous anecdotes.  Mostly about Johnny and The Brothers.  I had always wanted to do that.

The problem…how was I going pull that off when I was only beginning to function a mere six months after burying our Beautiful Madeline.  Initially, I didn’t even plan to discuss her death and our paralyzing grief.  I wanted people to read and I thought if people tuned into all that, well, they wouldn’t come back.  But I am learning you cannot accomplish any goal if you are going against what is in your heart and on your mind.  That path leads to nowhere.

The post I chose is the first one I wrote where I mention Madeline.  I am discussing how Johnny is helping me cope with missing her.  It is rightfully entitled, “Just Too Much”.

Going back through my archives this what not initially my choice for this Time Warp, but when I read through I changed my plan midstream.  I read “Just Too Much” and couldn’t believe I wrote it.  Yes, the Johnny anecdote is one thing.  What struck me was the somewhat nonchalant tone I took when writing about Madeline and that experience that day.  It sounds so restrained and sterile…detached.  Because, believe me, I was there, that was NOT quiet sobbing.

I think when I started this blog I was so focused on what direction I thought I was taking my writing. The path that would save me.  The path that would put a band aid on what wasn’t broken and let me escape my own nightmare.  But somewhere on this path I discovered it was leading me in the wrong direction.  And I couldn’t keep up the dueling personalities any longer.

Today I like the path my blog is taking.  Life According to John is now reflects only ONE me.  The real me.  The me that likes a good belly laugh, especially at the absurd and most especially at the everyday absurd that is the chaos of my home.  But it also is the me that still longs and aches daily for Madeline…that still chokes back tears when everything seems to be too much.  

And now when it is just too much I dump it one here and each time I write about Madeline… her life and our life without her…I know I am taking a just one more step, a very small step,  on the path to Just Right.

Bethlehem, VA? The untold story – In rear view

Made it through the Holidays.  Partly in a fog with an elephant sitting on my heart. The business of grief is a tough one.  You work long hours without a break and the Holidays just add a lot of “work” to the day.   But…with the help of amazing friends I was not committed.  More on that at another time.

Six days into the New Year and I realized that in the anxiety ridden fog about the Holidays, leading up to the fog of the Holidays, it came to me that I was not as in tune with what The Brother’s were doing.  Oh, don’t get me wrong…they weren’t quiet or anything…I was just half-awake.  Now I am AWAKE and I realize I might have missed about 100 pages of blogging adventures because they have been very busy in the last weekend writing this blog for me.  I will try to adjust my rear view and give you, Dear Reader, the highlights.

Here goes:  In no particular order…

Johnny asked me this weekend why I write a blog about him.  I told him because he was an interesting subject.  Might I add this conversation took place while he was parading around proudly in his new Batman costume.  Oh, was his response.

The following day, he asked me if I could become a surgeon.  For a moment I thought to be flattered.  WOW!!!!  Johnny thinks his mommy is that smart and YOUNG!  Never one to inflate your ego, Johnny cut to the chase.  “I want you to be a surgeon so you can operate and give me Bat Wings and a tail.”  Um, why don’t we just go MAKE you a costume.  A lot less unnecessary cutting involved.  Oh, was his response.

Speaking of New Years Resolutions…because I was going to…I was attempting to make some as Johnny’s Mom.  I fear that I have been sleeping on the job and perhaps Johnny needs a little pointing in the general direction I would like to see him go.  You guessed it…because I like to make my own kind of crazy.  I seem to enjoy being a busy body repairman.  You know, I show up to fix things that  ARE NOT broken and then plant my face in my hands cause you know what you get when you do what you’ve always done?  That’s right, what you’ve always got.

However, let’s not forget, I AM NOT A QUITTER!  So on I continue to repair Johnny.

Resolution:  We must return to religion class.  As you might recall last school year Johnny attended religion/CCD classes.  It was informative and entertaining for all.  Well…maybe not for all.  It is very difficult to teach about God and Jesus (who are not seen) to a child who only deals in what can be seen and touched (unless you are Santa Claus).  But it is important to me so we tried.  We have not made it back this school year but will be re-enrolling ASAP.  This resolution due to recent events

Friday evening, The Brothers had an Epiphany Pageant.  This meant a lot of people crowded into the church with lots of singing, trumpets, etc.  NOT Johnny’s preferred outing, EVER!!!  Where two or more are gathered, Johnny is NOT.  So, I thought it best to warn him and give him the usual lecture on  behavior AND the usual bribes.  Johnny doesn’t work for free.

Johnny – What is this thing called again?

Me – The Epiphany Pageant.

Johnny – Oh. (of course).  What’s it about?

WHAT’S IT ABOUT???  Oh Boy, Houston we have a problem (I think).  My boy does not know the Christmas story, so I gently say, “Who was born Christmas day?”

Johnny – Stares blankly.

Me – JESUS, REMEMBER?

Johnny – Oh yeah, right. (read with zero enthusiasm)

Me – (Thinking, I better get to repairing this).  That’s right, Jesus.  And do you know where he was born?  Which of course brought the response of a blank stare.  So I continue with a great sense of purpose…IN BETHLEHEM.  Remember?

Johnny – You guessed it…Oh.

Me – Because I just NEVER know when to quit…AND do you know where in Bethlehem Jesus was born. ( And that is when I knew I asked ONE too many question.)  Proudly he looks and says, “Virginia.”  At least he didn’t say, “in the batcave.”  Now it was my turn and I responded…oh.

Sadly, that wasn’t even the catalyst for my New Years resolution because Johnny and The Brothers never disappoint.

Driving to church on Sunday.  The Brothers are having a discussion about the “Holidays” of the season.  Johnny was talking about KWANZA.  Why?  I HAVE NO IDEA.  In mid-stream he switches gears and tells us Christmas is his favorite anyways.  And I learned my lesson Friday so I didn’t ask.  Although it is obvious why, even to me.

BUT The Little Brother did.  The Little Brother is oblivious to learning lessons.  Not waiting for the answer, Little Brother offers a possible reason that Christmas is the favorite.  And proposes…”Johnny is it because Christmas has the BETTER SPONSOR?  (Silence in the van…please let him say, Jesus)  SANTA CLAUS!!!  Guess him saying Jesus would’ve really been the Christmas miracle.

The Captain and I roll our eyes and open the doors to release our beasts in the church parking lot and out JUMPS JOHNNY bellowing…for NO particular reason…”and there is PARTIAL NUDITY!!”  Dear God, Please let him mean, Baby Jesus….you know, the one from Bethlehem…NOT Virginia.


Friday Fun

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Just like when I was in school, on Friday you would usually get the opportunity to do something a little on the “fun” side.  The teacher’s way to make you “learn” and you not even know, like good ol’ math games and Spelling Bees.  As I have been researching how to “grow” my blog, the common theme, like in all things, is practice, practice, and MORE practice.  Pretty much my writing is NOT going to improve sitting around watching “Lock-Up” and other attention gripping prison shows.

Not to mention I need a little levity, as I have been doing too much “serious” thinking and which I believe is highly over-rated.  This week has served to confirm that I believe “Ignorance” just might really be bliss.  Works for me.

Luckily, I can mindlessly entertain myself greatly channeling my inner Erma Bombeck so “honing” my writing should not be difficult, right?  As in things, prorastination is not my friend.  Neither is sitting still in my chair.  (My boys come by it honestly.)  So, I was happy to “meet” Hilary from Feeling Beachie and “hook-up” to her blog hop, “Friday Four Fill In Fun.”  Co-hosted by Ali from daughter-in-law diaries .  Check it out, might discover some things that make you go hmmmm.

This week’s statements:
1. Every time I see a ____ I oh an ah…
2. I don’t have a ___ bone in my body
3. I like ___ on my burgers
4. If I had one more hour in the day I would _________

My deep insights:

1.  Every time I see a copy of “Country Living” magazine I oh and ah…. after moving 10 times in the last 16 years I always dream I am going to make a home look like that magazine…..no go, though.

2.  I don’t have a wimpy bone in my body, I’m a pretty tough cookie.

3.  I like cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickle, lettuce, tomatoe, onion on my burgers.

4.  If I had one more hour in the day I would LOSE MY MIND, the 24 I currently have are kicking me in the tail.

That’s about it.  Read, enjoy and play along!

Blessed Beating?

Always Bless, then BEAT your brother!

Always Bless, then BEAT your brother!

Walked upstairs and found these strategically positioned outside The Brothers’ bedrooms.  Every man for himself………………..

 

Semi-Wordless Wednesday at Feeling Beachie, check it out!