My Say

Today, like many others, is very bittersweet.  Filled with too many emotions that drive me to distraction.  All around the talk of the Big Snowstorm.   So, here I sit, in  a daze, waiting for the big one to hit.  I have a stocked fridge, pantry and a really good bottle of red if it really hits the fan.  Cabin fever, that is…

Snowstorms sound so romantic, nostalgic, and kind of like a Hallmark Network feelgood movie.  Images of making warms soups, hot cocoa and sitting by a roaring fire.  Your wholesome snacking  enhanced by playing board games and putting together puzzles with your family.  Only taking a break from the warmth and hilarity to dash out and frolic together in the snow.  

I wonder where that family lives?  Because as soon as I get their address I’m heading over while the roads are still clear.

If and when this epic March snowstorm hits I’m guessing the Hallmark movie playing in my head is not the same Reality show that will play out in my home.  Yes, there will be lots of snacks.  Mainly me stuffing myself with chips and diet coke to ensure my sanity.  The warm delicious soups I want to make will only be consumed by me.  Because as Johnny likes to tell me, “me and my brothers only eat good food.”  If you can’t compete with Kraft Dinner and Tombstone Pizza I find it best to just wave the white flag and carry on.  Plus, all that homemade goodness warms my tummy and fills me with fortifying vitamins until a respectable time comes that I may, shall we say, partake of a bottle I’ve been saving for just the right moment.  That moment would be the moment just before my last nerve ending pops through my skin and my Hallmark movie turns into a Simpsons episode.

I don’t care how much space you live in, a lot of testosterone is just that…A LOT!

The brothers are, of course, excited about the possibility of a snowstorm!  Well, a SNOW DAY.  But really, who doesn’t enjoy a good snowday!  They are full of possibilities.  Like I said, when I find out where that family lives, I will let everyone know.

I would be excited just to be able to stay in my jammies and not pack lunches.

It has been a couple of years since we have enjoyed a good snow storm.  This predicted storm would be so simple.  All that I require I already have at my disposal.  I should be filled with anticipation, excitement, and a warm cozy feeling… right?  But I am not.

My heart does not feel light.  Something very heavy is sitting on my chest and is causing my constant ache to begin to throb.

For the last big snowstorm jammies and wine were not even on the list.  My list consisted of ensuring that all durable medical equipment in the house was fully charged.  That all trachs and supplies were fully stocked and all oxygen tanks ready to go, if necessary.  Checklists like, did we let the Utility company and Fire Department know that we have a child with a trach in case power goes out or our street becomes inpassible?  And then the moving of a mattress and all medical equipment to the family room to be ready for when the night nurse calls to say she cannot make it to our house and we are “on”.

That was the last snowstorm I remember.  It was nerve wracking.  It was scary.  It was exhausting.  And I want it back.

I want to still be that Mommy.  That Mommy that has a Baby Girl with an extra chromosome and all that comes with her.  All the extra  that made Madeline…Madeline.  It was hard work and she kept me going 24/7.  And I miss every damn bit of it, every damn minute of the day.  And yes, I would do it again.  And NO, I did not like my baby girl to suffer, to undergo all of the surgeries and other poking and proding but I miss HER.  I just do.  It is that simple…and that complicated.

Try as I might I am having a very difficult time finding a new occupation.  Someone forgot to ask if I was interested in getting a new job when the angels were sent to carry her home.  They forgot to ask if  I had my resume together.  Because the answer is no.  The answer remains no.

Really, someone should ask before they take the best job you ever had, and with no words spoken, inform you it is your last day.  Your services are no longer needed.    Because if they had I would have said, please let me stay.   I will do whatever is required and more.  I’ll be on call 24/7 and never strike.   I’ll work for snuggles and rasberry kisses and will not demand a raise.  Let my bonus be watching her first steps and her first day of school.  Let my vacation in the sun be the illuminating smile on her precious face.

But no one ever asked…so I never got to say.

10 Responses to My Say

  1. hilary says:

    I am so sorry.. I wish I had words for you.. but I don’t…. I wish I could hug you… but I can’t. I wish you could see my face right now as I read your words… They hit me so hard because I can feel your emotions… I hope it helped a little go get the words out…

  2. gavmomof2 says:

    THANK YOU! You have made my day one full of sunshine! It’s March, I live in the South – it’s 32 degrees and we have FLURRIES! I was a bit mad this morning – this weather makes me grumpy. Your beautiful story melted my heart.

  3. Taking away the best job you ever had…working for snuggles and kisses…such a clear word-picture. There is no price for those things, and those of us who have lost children know just how precious they are now they are gone. Hugs to you…thank you for sharing.

  4. Jeanne says:

    Amy, you can write with such clarity when you share your feelings and memories of miss m. I am honored to read it. I love you and wish I could take this pain from you. Just know I am here and I hear you. Jeanne

  5. Way to make me laugh and cry in the same post.

    Abiding with you as you endure the storm and the loss of dear Madeline.

  6. deb says:

    beautifully put. changes in weather and seasons can bring such vivid memories–both cherished and painful. i’m glad you found (created) this place where you can have your say.

    i’m looking forward to meeting you at the LTYM read-through, but i’ll say now, i’m so so sorry you lost your beautiful little girl.
    -deb.

  7. MrsTDJ says:

    Amazing share. My husband and I often laughed about the storm that hit in Feb ’10. We were trapped in our Capitol Heights neighborhood for 8 days due to a city/county snow plow dispute. By day 8, we had cabin fever. Today? Ha. I would gladly relive those 8 days over and over. I totally wish someone had asked me because I sure lived being a wife as well. I look forward to meeting you tomorrow.

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