Days late a dollars short. That sums it up. Another one that crosses my mind, “the best laid plans of mice and men”…is that even a saying? I think it is. Or the absolute best, “Life, it’s what happens when you are making other plans.” Yeah, that’s the ticket. Not the winning ticket, just the ticket. Me and winning, we have issues…many issues. Because that thing they call, “Luck“, well, Lady Luck and Mr. Winner, I believe they are a happy couple, possibly, a former neighbor, in some former life, that I have really ticked off and they are out to get me. And let me tell you, they are relentless.
I will blame it on the time change, I think that is a given in this first week and I am doing the Timewarp on Thursday, instead of Tuesday, because while I was making my weekly plans, Mr. Winner and Lady Luck, they were beginning their pursuit.
My friend Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed hosts this party once a month. The purpose to find a post we previously wrote, reflect on where we were when we wrote it and what has happened in our lives since. Ironically, the theme this month is Luck. In honor of St. Patrick’s day and how the leprechaun and shamrock go hand in hand with this day.
I chose this post from a couple of months ago. It is entitled, “Darn the Luck.”
My tenuous relationship with the subject is evident.
I married into an Irish family. I have the O’ name and everything. But the luck. My sister-in-law calls it the Kennedy Luck of the Irish, without the fortune. As our family has endured many infant deaths and sorrow.
Possibly a reason I am a couple of days late to do the Timewarp as I have been ruminating on this subject. See, I don’t know if I really believe in “Luck”. I am wondering if it isn’t more about one’s circumstances, reactions and perception. Because what you might “see” as “lucky” I might see as unavoidable circumstance that I am doing my best to “deal” with. Or have been continuously working behind the scenes to create the illusion of luck.
I have fostered this belief after the last two years of gut wrenching grief and several years of Johnny’s life (and ours) with Autism. I am often rendered speechless (not easy to do to me) by how others have been at the ready to remind me of how Lucky I am.
The best of the worst. “You are “lucky” that you had Madeline for 16 months, you didn’t even expect that at first.” I have said this before, if you have children, look at them, then tell me which one you have had enough time on this earth with. Then get back to me on my “luck.”
Also that I am lucky I have three other children. Yes, I adore them, I cherish them. They are each as irreplaceable as their Baby Sister. Although their presence can provide comfort it does not make up for or take away from the fact that Madeline is gone. Easing grief is not, nor should it be, the role of my boys.
Another, “Oh, it’s just her heart, because she just has to have open heart surgery and she will be fine.” Luck being implied.
I have also been told I am lucky that she could be laid to rest by her cousins and family. While I am grateful this is true, and I know she is being watched by her loving Grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles, I believe this falls under horrible circumstance that we are trying with all of our might to make somewhat bearable.
Johnny is considered “high-functioning” on the autism spectrum. Yes, I know, I am “lucky” that “he does so well.” He reads well, is able to mainstream and is considered bright. People always like to tell me that I am “lucky” in this situation, they can always tell me a story of someone who has it “worse.” I’m here to tell you, parents of children with autism are not in competition to see who has it “worse.” Because actually, we love our children for who they are, the unexpected joy they bring into our lives and the constant lessons we are learning.
As far as how “well” Johnny does, this is not “luck” it is your perception of my circumstance. Because what one might perceive as “luck” is actually the result of a great deal of hard work, sleepless nights, many IEPS, therapies and early intervention. He has been a full-time student since he was 2. Johnny is not just “lucky” he is one hard-working little boy and has worked hard for many skills many people do not give any thought to. Although, maybe every child should have an IEP goal of raising their hand and waiting their turn. Just saying.
Please do not misinterpret, Dear Reader, I am blessed in many ways. Those blessings include many friends and family who pray constantly and do many other behind the scenes good deeds so that I am standing upright, showered, wearing somewhat clean clothes, and am here for the Brothers and The Captain.
These Dear Friends and family members take me on runs, pour me a drink, make me soup, take flowers to my Baby Girl when I cannot, listen to me cry and then stand me up again. And then turn around and do it all again. Lucky, I don’t know…Blessed…definitley.