This is supposed to be “semi-wordless” Wednesday, but mine is actually, “Write on and on Wednesday” as I have much to say. If you have been following Life According to Johnny you might be familiar with the “Krispy Kreme” symbolism. And that sadly, you are aware that it does not mean I love, love, love donuts and can’t get me enough donuts! In my “world” it actually symbolizes, ENOUGH, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!…I CAN’T TAKE ONE MORE BITE OF CRAP SANDWICH…AND I AM ON THE EDGE! What edge? That edge where people begin to refer to me in terms of…”you know…before she…really lost it, or…well, you fill in the blank.
If you are a little confused about how, when and why Krispy Kreme became an adjective in my life, read here, Krispy Kreme Memories.
Like then I have a certain amount of daily stress and other unseemly weight I carry with me. I know, who doesn’t? That said, as well as I “think” I may be doing keeping my life in balance, apparently that balance is of such a delicate nature that the tiniest items added to one side of the scale and WHOOOAAAA, I lose my footing on the tightrope, hit myself in the head with my balancing stick and go into a free-fall, thus becoming the previously unannounced act in my own 3 Ring Circus.
The result, straight into Krispy Kreme mode and a property manager who has surely changed his phone number by now.
Try as I might, not a day passes that I do not feel the weight of loss and grief for Our Madeline. I operate that that is a given. I then worry about giving The Brothers a home where they know their sister is missed but that does not keep them from having a childhood and all the positive things you want for your child. With all the upset and turmoil they have endured, I worry about yet more change.
As with a lot of things in military life, change is something that is usually out of our control. The dominoe effect of one military persons move is truly mind boggling. Last week we were reminded of that fact yet again when (seemingly) out of the blue we were informed that the owners of our house were to be returning to the area. That phone call packed just enough power to push me right off that tight rope I had been walking with such precision.
Moving, in itself, I know, should not be considered traumatic but given the extenuating circumstances, I am just that…traumatized. Funny, because I know I’m tougher than that. After what I have endured this should be nothing but it has turned into a big ol something! The thought of changing, anything on The Brothers, yet again, feels like too much. Johnny has been doing so well and I pray this does not pile on a whole new level of anxiety and an escape into his Batman world, which I know feels safe and comforting for him, but not so much for the Mommy.
Our hope is to remain in this little neighborhood and right now I am dedicated to that cause. So, if I show up at your door…run!
Sadly I know this is NOT the WORST. I know the WORST and this in comparison is a minor inconvenience, if that. However, when you realize you are running on reserves the idea of an inconvenience seems like yet another bite of crap sandwich and frankly, I am full.
Be that as it may, I better chew each bite 20 times, drink some water, wait for another bite and in the meantime get back to walking that tight rope.