The More Things Change

Late to the party…AGAIN!  Here it is Wednesday, night at that, and I was supposed to be doing the Time Warp on Tuesday but, alas, it did not happen.  My blog post spent the day traveling around in my head, festering and mixing with my Middle School substitute teaching gig.  That is a lot going on in one mind and I already seem to operate on distraction mode.  Wanting to give my hostess, Kathy, at Bereaved and Blessed, my undivided attention, I asked if we could do one of those “day after” kind of things.  You know, like when you have to be too many places on Thanksgiving so you have a dinner the next day.  Personally, I’ve heard of this but my attendance has never been that demanded on any given day.

The theme for this party is April.  Kathy invites us to do the Time Warp and revisit a post we wrote in April, about anything.  And then reflect on how things have changed since then.

Sounds simple.  Problem.  I have not been blogging too terribly long but knew I had at least one April under my belt.  So I checked.  Nothing.  So I checked again.  Nothing.  So then I looked to see what was going on and discovered I had nothing.  I had written nothing last April!  And then it hit me.  I checked back and discovered that last year the closest I came were a few posts that I wrote in March.

Although April is a time of new beginnings and all things blooming, last year I was more stuck in what we called in California, “May Gray.”

Last March,  Madeline had been gone 16 months.  She was 16 months old when she died.  Easter was approaching.  As a dear friend, who also buried a child said, “something about Easter just sends me over the edge.”  Amen.

In addition, I was trying to prepare myself for an upcoming move which would force us to pack away our Sweet Baby Girl’s things and I was having a very hard time coping.  I couldn’t bring myself to put myself out there, so I didn’t.  I retreated.

But before my hiatus I reflected on the realization that Madeline was now gone as long as she had been alive in “Sweet 16, Baby Girl.”

The more things change…the more they stay the same.  Almost a year later and I am still in that place…the place where I still think, “how the HELL am I going to keep doing this.”  The 2nd day of each month, my heart feels a little heavier and tears swim behind my eyes.  And the what if’s and if only’s…they are still there as well.  As for that Detective…yes, I know he might have been doing his job, but I am still mad at him.  Some common sense and compassion would have been nice. Instead of explaining to him what Down Syndrome was and her medical history, I could have been holding my Sweet Girl for a few last precious minutes that I will never, ever get back.  Sadly, the hospital did NOTHING compassionate, whatsoever!  And this still haunts me.  And I still miss her every second of every day.

As counting the months turns to counting the years, the hole in my heart does not seem to heal but the love that Madeline planted there continues to grow.

And this… this I still believe:

“For 16 months I knew I saw a quiet wisdom in her eyes and was sure I must be looking at the face of God… for she was perfect in our eyes.

You are loved Precious Baby Girl, you are loved and adored, and you were and are……………….GOD’S PERFECT CREATION.” 

3 Responses to The More Things Change

  1. MrsTDJ says:

    Hugs to you ma’am. I fully understand the feeling that the “date” brings. I continue to send you peaceful thoughts and an enormous pile of positive memories. May the love continue to flow.

  2. Kathy says:

    Oh Amy, there are no words… Abiding with you and sending peace, love, light, thoughts and prayers your way. xoxo

    And I love this, oh, how I love this:

    “As counting the months turns to counting the years, the hole in my heart does not seem to heal but the love that Madeline planted there continues to grow.”

    What a beautiful way to describe the love that our children leave behind within us. I feel the same way about our Molly.

    It may be a small consolation, but it does help bring me some peace and comfort to know how many positive things have grown out of the loss of our babies, including our friendship. Thank you so much for doing the Time Warp again with us this month.

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