Perfect Moment – Together Again

I’m back!!!  There has been so much happening, so much to ruminate and blog about, so, why the absence…it’s a little thing I call ANAYLYSIS PARAYLYSIS…self diagnosed, of course.  Risk factors include  buying a house (the one house we looked at), trying to pack to prepare for said move,  interviewing for a job, preparing Johnny for his First Holy Communion, attempting to train for a half-marathon, all while preparing to bare my soul on stage in front of friends and strangers.

Let me stop, right here, Dear Reader, and confess, I did not run the half-marathon.  Yes, my Dad is rolling over in his grave.  I am officially a QUITTER!

In my defense, it was the same morning as Listen to Your Mother, and I was advised by Dear Friends that I had perhaps lost my mind and in fact, it was a “terrible” idea and to really put the fear of God in me, I would go on stage and “look like crap, cause who looks good after running 13.1 miles??!!”  I know, harsh but true words.  Well, in all fairness, there are those who do look great after 13.1 miles, I…am not one of those people.

So, I did it, I quit.  And with that off my plate I spent the next 2 days in a complete state of self-induced crazed chaos preparing myself for my big stage debut.

Now it is Monday, the morning after, and I find myself in a daze, trying to remember if it all really happened.  Thinking myself too busy, I planned to write about this sometime after I had the chance to process the experience.  Thanks to Lori at LavenderLuz and Perfect Moment Monday, that sometime is now.

Back in February, with much trepidation, I took myself to a random hotel in Northern Virginia to audition for the DC cast of Listen to Your Mother.  In Perfect Moment – No Whiners or Quitters  I wrote about this amazing experience and actually being cast in the show.  I thought that was the hard part.  Turns out auditioning was nothing compared to the feelings that threatened to stop me in my tracks and render me unable to head to the stage.  Because what I discovered was that telling people I was going to read “my story” on stage was, in reality,  much less intimidating than realizing…WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?…I’M GOING TO READ MY STORY…LIVE..IN FRONT OF LIVE, REAL PEOPLE…ON A STAGE!

As I processed this fear, as irrational as it was, I chose to deal with it on a superficial level and channel all of that off the chart Anxiety into the major life decision known as, “WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?”  Taking my gift for indecision to a whole new level.  It was a personal best.  In my quest for just the right look I purchased two dress and SIX, yes SIX pairs of shoes.  I had to make a decision before I melted my credit card and/or The Captain figured out what I was up to.

The result was a game time decision in which I walked backstage with one of each shoe until I couldn’t even stand myself and knew it was time to hide my crazy.

Never mind the shoes,  I was about to go out and BARE  the contents of the deep recesses of my heart and soul to an audience.  Standing backstage I could feel my heart racing as I contemplated the floorplan and just how possible it would be to exit stage left.  Then I thought how can I be afraid?  Haven’t I already been called to do the impossible, the unthinkable…I have buried my Precious Baby Girl.  Everything else, in comparison, is a walk in the park.  And so, I kept walking… right across the stage and into my seat… donning my red, white and blue dress, in honor of  our Madeline, our 4th of July Baby Girl.

Then it was time…Our Time…time to “read” our story.  The story of the unexplainable grief and pain when you become one of “The Club” and you are called to bury your child.

Despite feeling naked and exposed I began.  Once concerned about my pacing and tone, after a brief moment the voice I heard didn’t even seem like mine.  My heart and mind got lost in my love and longing for Madeline that I almost forgot there was an audience.  Finally, I had the stage, the platform to tell all present…my Madeline is gone, she was loved and adored beyond measure, my heart is broken beyond repair and I will never be the same.  But I have people, club members and dear friends who serve as a soft place to land and a shoulder to lean on when the days are unbearable.

After the show, to my hearts delight, I had a few people come up and thank me for sharing my story and  Madeline.  Some asked her name again and wanted to know a little more about her.  Of course, I was delighted to share.  Words can’t convey the emotion when some of the hugs were not accompanied by any words… just a big squeeze, a knowing look, and  tears.  Then it hit me…I really did tell this story for others, for others who cannot.  That’s what us club members do.

The absolute, hands down best was that I SWEAR I felt Madeline with me.  A  surreal feeling that I could, perhaps, just reach out and kiss her sweet face, just once, but to make any move would destroy that magic place and she would go away.  I felt her presence and told our story and I am so glad that I did for that one… perfect moment… when Baby Girl and I were together again.

 

 

16 Responses to Perfect Moment – Together Again

  1. Kathy says:

    I am glad LTYM went so well and that you felt your baby girl with you. I believe she was and am so proud of and happy for you! I can imagine how many hearts you touched and minds you opened from sharing about your experience being part of “the Club” yesterday. How did I miss or forget that you were training for a 1/2 marathon in the midst of everything else going on in your life?! Wow! That is impressive! But I also admire you knowing your limits and choosing in the end not to run the race this time. Best wishes as you pack too! I know that is not an easy task and can be so bittersweet. xoxo

  2. jodifur says:

    You were amazing and you looked gorgeous and I’m so glad I got to know you through this process. Also, I want to see this other shoes!

    • johnnypsmom says:

      Thank you, Jodi! I am so glad to get to know you as well. I look forward to Alumni parties and drinks. I will send pics of my new shoe babies.

  3. Arnebya says:

    I am glad you felt Madeline. I am glad she was with you as you read those beautiful, heartwrenching words about the club. I applaud you still. Keep the red orange dress.

    • johnnypsmom says:

      Arnebya, Thank you! Thank you for allowing me to parade my crazy anxiety and never slap me. I AM keeping the red orange dress. Oh, and my friend said the shoes I wore were perfect for the dress. Just like you already knew!

  4. You were on my mind yesterday and I was sending you good thoughts during LTYM. I’m not surprised at all that it went well for you, that you told your story clearly and that it resonated for people. I’m glad you got to feel Madeline with you — wow.

    Definitely perfect.

  5. Daisy says:

    Congratulations! I will have to look up the segment. That is definitely a Perfect Moment. I’m sure your angel in heaven was smiling 😉

  6. Stephanie says:

    Of course she was with you. Of course. You were, quite simply, transcendent. Thank you so much.

    • johnnypsmom says:

      Thank you, Stephanie! It did feel a little out of body, in a good way. Like a big hug! What a great day it was! Loved meeting Mr. Dulli as well:)

  7. You are a star Amy. We love you!

    • johnnypsmom says:

      Kate, Thank you! That is very sweet. Can’t thank you enough for all you did and for giving me the opportunity. Met such incredible ladies (and Adrian), including you!

  8. Ann says:

    Wonderful to meet you, and I cannot thank you enough for representing “the club” and sharing a bit of Madeline with us yesterday.

  9. Thank you for sharing, here and via LTYM. All of the stories I have heard are just awesome.

  10. […] As recaps of LTYM-DC continue to pop up here and there, I would be remiss in excluding LTYM: A Catalyst for Reflection and Love, a lovely […]

  11. Hilary says:

    I am so happy for you… I can only imagine how nervous you were and how wonderful you felt afterwards. And I know Madeline was with you the whole entire time….

  12. deb says:

    so glad you felt Madeline. I think perhaps we all did. There was a peace that settled into the stage as you were reading. I was so nervous for you, but once you started reading, I just felt this strength and calm. I imagined it was coming from you, but perhaps it was Madeline. 🙂

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